Deaf to the outside world.
First thing I did when I came home, what seemed hours ago, was turn off my cellphone. At first I couldn't tell why I did it, I just did. Then semi-collapsing on my bed everything around me just blurred and all my walls turned to mush. My beautiful palace of sanity was nothing more than a hillbilly hut with holes in the roof. I realized why I turned my cell off. I didn't want them to disturb me. I couldn't deal with anyone nagging me about anything. At that moment something inside told me I hated them all. I wondered why. I'm not the hateful one. I always thought of myself as understanding. People aren't inherently evil or bad. They just do what they think is right or what they have always been told is right. Hating people for being different was for the blind. I always wanted to try and understand people and for most of my life it worked. But just now I couldn't get myself to understand them, the blind, the deaf the cockeyed. People I had previously labeled friendly, in need of help or tolerated in my head were suddenly labeled annoying, hostile and unwelcome. I couldn't figure out why. It was as if my mind got shook up and all the files had been tussled about.
Now, thinking about it I find that it was a gradual process that got me to this point. It is true, on the outside I'm still cheerful, gay even. You wouldn't notice a thing. Not a trace of what has happened this year. But I can assure you on the inside marks have been drawn. They trace up and down my spine and across my hart. Unaware to most people my year wasn't one of mostly pleasantries but of hardships. And I agree that most of them would seem trivial to you, but to me they have been experiences for life. Some of them more universal than others, some concern changes in my life and that of others, some are merely concerned with getting to know myself better, or worse, it all depends.
I started filing it all in my head, quite randomly, the order is completely irrelevant. Becoming board chairman of my faculty society. Being lied to about the prospects, sending me towards a virtual brick wall including all the hassles and commentary that went with it. Not being able to tackle the brunt of my classes. Missing my sis badly because we hardly see each other these days. Same for my parents. My granddad passing away. Having a hole in my pocket the size of Australia getting me into some financially tight corners. Having fought for the good of others without getting anything in return and many more things that have left me shaken. And there hasn't been any one particular person I could talk to about this. I don't know why, probably because I couldn't. I've always known myself to be more of a writer, yeah, surprise, surprise.
Still, time to tackle this shit. Starting with my granddad, I guess. It's the most tangible at this moment. I thought I was coping pretty well, but right now I realize it just wasn't really getting through to me. Ever since he passed away I noticed something missing. I'm not saying we spoke often or saw each other a lot. To be honest I felt like the failing grandson. Maybe that's the problem. I was supposed to go on a trip right before he passed. And all I seem to be able to do right now is realize what he meant to me all those years. Just now, today, I realized he wasn't just that old man sitting and discussing at family get-togethers. He was an icon of reassurance. He was someone who symbolized experience and knowledge. It was just enough for me that he was there. And only now, since he's gone I regret I never knew what he was in my life.
Thanks Granddad, for everything.
I think I'll visit his grave on Friday. Maybe it'll do me some good.
So that's the first of some venting that needed to be done. I think I've lost about half a liter of moist through my eyes typing this. And yet still there's that nagging voice in my head that says I'm a hypocrite. Telling me to apologize for there are people in the world, a great many, that are far worse of than me.
Which is true of course. And I know that in about ten minutes I'll probably be laughing my ass off watching Zero Punctuation. But I guess that's the way people work in this world. I just want to thank whoever is reading this for the chance to get this off my chest. I hope, for your sake and mine, that the next post will be of lighter composition. I'm gonna turn my phone on in a sec cause the silence is killing me. Even now the I'm realizing that the chatter of the radio doesn't do it for me.